1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by
waving it and saying, "Quite right, old bean!"
2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus
the overhead projector.
3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into
sharp points.
4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook.
5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond "that's my
name, don't wear it out!"
6. Introduce yourself to the class as the "master of the pan flute".
7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his
soul would go if he died tomorrow.
8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak
louder.
9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In
the middle of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether
he was ever in an episode of Starsky and Hutch.
11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the
professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
12. Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your
intention to pursue a career in measurements and units.
13. Sing your questions.
14. Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.
15. When the professor calls roll, after each name scream "THAT'S
MEEEEE! Oh, no, sorry."
16. Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If
you actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir
Fernandez O'Reilly.
17. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.
18. Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you've done so.
19. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR
FLY".
20. Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend
bang cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.
21. Stare continually at the professor's crotch. Occassionally lick
your lips.
22. Address the professor as "your excellency".
23. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if
he's been drinking.
24. Shout "WOW!" after every sentence of the lecture.
25. Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your
face.
26. Ask whether you have to come to class.
27. Present the professor with a large fruit basket.
28. Bring a "seeing eye rooster" to class.
29. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle
haffen dee henvay?" Become aggitated when the professor can't
understand you.
30. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the
chalkboard erasers.
31. Watch the professor through binoculars.
32. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.
33. Ask to introduce your "invisible friend" in the empty seat beside
you, and ask for one extra copy of each handout.
34. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY
EYES!"
35. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of
your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
36. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and
snickering.
37. As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the
board. Ignore the professor's reply and proceed to do so anyway.
38. Claim that you wrote the class text book.
39. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump
up and scream "IMPOSTER!"
40. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.
41. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup
Sheet #5" at the top, and start passing it around the room.
42. Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after
the professor answers.
43. Wear a cape with a big S on it. Inform classmates that the S
stands for "stud".
44. Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, "Can you spell
that?"
45. Disassemble your pen. "Accidently" propel pieces across the room
while playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to
retrieve the pieces. Repeat.
46. Wink at the professor every few minutes.
47. In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes
in ghosts.
48. Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you
laugh.
49. Wear a black hooded cloak to class and ring a bell.
50. Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the
blackboard of ancient Greek trade routes down farther because you
can't see Macedonia.
Date: ___________
Dear Parent(s),
I am too busy to write, but this checklist covers most of the topics of
interest to both of us.
Please send:
__ Money (Cash)! Amount: $_______
__ Food (Cookies)! Dozens: ________
__ Clean clothes!
Relationships:
__ What?
__ I am in love with myself
__ I am in love!
__ I am engaged
__ I got married last weekend
My Roommate:
__ Worships the ground I walk on
__ Gave me a black eye
__ Committed suicide and left a note saying I was the reason
__ Is afraid of the dark and wants to sleep with me in my bed ???
__ Has fleas
My Professors are:
__ Sadistic water walkers
__ Mental institution escapees
__ Brain dead nerds
__ Super oxygen thieves
Latest News:
__ I wrecked the car
__ I can't use your credit card because I have exceeded the credit
limit
__ You are going to have a grandchild
__ False alarm - you are NOT going to have a grandchild
Food:
__ Is great!
__ Even makes me appreciate your cooking
__ I have had pizzas for the last eleven meals
Grades:
__ I am making all A's
__ I am not being properly challenged
__ I will be home after this semester
I study:
__ Night and day
__ All the time
__ 80 hours a week
__ Only on Sunday afternoon
__ None of the above
Daily Devotions:
__ I read my Bible everyday
__ I can't read
__ Someone stole my Bible while I was at one of the local bars
On my last visit home, I left:
__ My glasses
__ My paper that was due yesterday
__ The clothes you washed for me
__ My (girlfriend's) birth control pills
__ The check to cover my delinquent tuition payment
__ Other _____________________________________________
Please send above items by Federal Express (Priority One) or UPS
(Blue)
Laundry:
__ My white underwear is now _________________
__ I am saving money by not using detergent
__ Don't worry, I washed my clothes last semester
__ I hang my clothes out the window when it rains
My room:
__ Can pass your "white glove" test
__ Is only _____% full
__ Could not be located last Saturday night
__ Was rented by the ROTC for hazardous terrain training
Parties:
__ I don't inhale
__ I only go to meet people
__ Haven't been to one since this morning
Hope you:
__ Miss me
__ Can live without me
__ Are not overdoing the celebration of my absence
Salutation:
__ Your Daughter,
__ Your Son,
__ Yours,
Top Ten Methods of Being kicked out of a Chemistry Class
10. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.
9. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. Consistently write three atoms of potassium as "KKK."
7. Mutter repeatedly, "Not again... not again... not again."
6. When it's very quiet, suddenly cry out, "My eyes!"
5. Deny the existence of chemicals.
4. Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says exactly the way he/she says it.
3. Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker.
2. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulphuric acid.
1. Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertiliser and express an interest in federal buildings.