In the last act of Don Giovanni, there is always a statue which is replaced at some point by a real singer, a bass (the Commendatore). How can you tell when the switch has occurred?

The ``statue'' starts looking a bit stiff.

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High School Chorus Jokes

What is the difference between the men's final at Wimbledon and a high school choral performance?

The tennis final has more men.

How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?

On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.

What is the difference between a world war and a high school choral performance?

The performance causes more suffering.

Why do high school choruses travel so often?

Keeps assassins guessing.

What is the difference between a high school choral director and a chimpanzee?

It's scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans.

 

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What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?

The chain saw has greater dynamic range.

What's the difference between a banjo and a cattle grid?

People slow down before they drive over a cattle grid.

There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.

Female five string banjoist shouting at her boyfriend in a crowded shopping mall: ``Don't forget, sweetheart, I need a new G string.''

Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?

To get away from the noise.

What's the difference between an Appalachian dulcimer and a hammered dulcimer?

A hammered dulcimer burns hotter; an Appalachian dulcimer burns longer.

How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one.

What happens if you play blues music backwards?

Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.

What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?

``I didn't wake up this morning...''

``Hey, buddy, how late do the filkers play?''

``Oh, about half a beat behind...''

How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?

One, two, three, one, two, three...

Two musicians are driving down a road. All of a sudden they notice the Grim Reaper in the back seat. Death informs them that they had an accident and they both died. But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants each musician with one last request to remind them of their past life on earth. The first musician says he was a Country & Western musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Achy-Breaky Heart as a last hoorah! The second musician says ``I was a jazz musician...kill me now!''

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What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of his mouth?

The stage is level.

How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better.

Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?

How do you get a guitar player to play softer?

Give him some sheet music.

How do you make him stop?

Put notes on it!

What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common.

Both suck when you plug them in.

How do you make a bass player turn down the volume?

Put a chart in front of him.

How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?

None--they just steal somebody else's light.

If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first?

Who cares?

What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?

The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.

What do you call ten accordions at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

New bumper sticker seen: ``Use an accordion--go to jail!''

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A ``Chang'' is a Central Asian instrument (from countries such as Uzbekistan). It's something like a hammered dulcimer with a damper pedal.

How long does it take to tune a chang?

Nobody knows.

Why is it so difficult to tune a chang?

So that violist can feel superior about something.

Q: How many chang players does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them. One to twist the bulb for several hours, and the other one to decide that it's as good as it's going to get, and that they might as well flip the switch.

General and Conductor Jokes

What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?

The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.

A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?

The conductor. Business before pleasure.

Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?

They've had so little use.

What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?

The sack.

What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete?

Not enough concrete.

What's the definition of an optimist?

A choral director with a mortgage.

Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European Festival?

The good news: it crashed.
The bad news: there were three empty seats on board.

What's the difference between a symphony conductor and Dr Scholl's footpads?

Dr Scholl's footpads buck up the feet.

What's the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor?

There are some things a pig just won't do.

What is the ideal weight for a conductor?

About 2 1/2 lbs. including the urn.

It is difficult to trust anyone whose instrument changes shape as he plays it!

A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. ``I'm sorry, he's dead,'' comes the reply.

The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply from the receptionist. At last she asks him why he keeps calling. ``I just like to hear you say it.''

A musician arrived at the pearly gates.

``What did you do when you were alive?'' asked St. Peter.

``I was the principal trombone player of the London Symphony Orchestra''

``Excellent! We have a vacancy in our celestial symphony orchestra for a trombonist. Why don't you turn up at the next rehearsal.''

So, when the time for the next rehearsal arrived our friend turned up with his heavenly trombone [sic]. As he took his seat God moved, in a mysterious way, to the podium and tapped his baton to bring the players to attention. Our friend turned to the angelic second trombonist (!) and whispered, ``So, what's God like as a conductor?''

``Oh, he's O.K. most of the time, but occasionally he thinks he's von Karajan.''

It was the night of the big symphony concert, and all the town notables showed up to hear it. However, it was getting close to 8 o'clock and the conductor hadn't yet shown up. The theater's manager was getting desperate, knowing that he'd have to refund everyone's money if he cancelled the concert, so he went backstage and asked all the musicians if any could conduct.

None of them could, so he went around and asked the staff if any of them could conduct. He had no luck there either, so he started asking people in the lobby, in the hope that maybe one of them could conduct the night's concert.

He still hadn't found anyone, so he went outside and started asking everybody passing by if they could conduct. He had no luck whatsoever and by this time the concert was 15 minutes late in starting. The assistant manager came out to say that the crowd was getting restless and about ready to demand their money back.

The desperate manager looked around and spied a cat, a dog, and a horse standing in the street. ``Oh, what the heck,'' he exclaimed, ``let's ask them--what do we have to lose?''

So the manager and assistant manager went up to the cat, and the manager asked ``Mr. cat, do you know how to conduct?'' The cat meowed ``I don't know, I'll try,'' but though it tried really hard, it just couldn't stand upright on its hind legs. The manager sighed and thanked the cat, and then moved on to the dog.

``Mr. dog,'' he asked, ``do you think you can conduct?'' The dog woofed ``Let me see,'' but although it was able to stand up on its hind legs and wave its front paws around, it just couldn't keep upright long enough to last through an entire movement.

``Well, nice try,'' the manager told the dog, and with a sigh of resignation turned to the horse. ``Mr. horse,'' he asked, ``how about you--can you conduct?'' The horse looked at him for a second and then without a word turned around, presented its hind end, and started swishing its tail in perfect four-four time.

``That's it!'' the manager exclaimed, ``the concert can go on!'' However, right then the horse dropped a load of plop onto the street. The assistant manager was horrified, and he told the manager ``We can't have this horse conduct! What would the orchestra think?''

The manager looked first at the horse's rear end and then at the plop lying in the street and replied ``trust me--from this angle, the orchestra won't even know they have a new conductor!''

Once upon a time, there was a blind rabbit and blind snake, both living in the same neighborhood. One beautiful day, the blind rabbit was hopping happily down the path toward his home, when he bumped into someone. Apologizing profusely he explained, ``I am blind, and didn't see you there.''

``Perfectly all right,'' said the snake, ``because I am blind, too, and did not see to step out of your way.''

A conversation followed, gradually becoming more intimate, and finally the snake said, ``This is the best conversation I have had with anyone for a long time. Would you mind if I felt you to see what you are like?''

``Why, no,'' said the rabbit. ``Go right ahead.''

So the snake wrapped himself around the rabbit and shuffled and snuggled his coils, and said, ``MMMM! You're soft and warm and fuzzy and cuddly...and those ears! You must be a rabbit.''

``Why, that's right!'' said the rabbit. ``May I feel you?''

``Go right ahead.'' said the snake, stretching himself out full length on the path.

The rabbit began to stroke the snake's body with his paws, then drew back in disgust. ``Yuck!'' he said. ``You're cold...and slimy... you must be a conductor!''

``Mommy,'' said the little girl, ``can I get pregnant by anal intercourse?''

``Of course you can.'' her mother replied. ``How do you think conductors are made?''

What do you call a musician without a significant other?

Homeless.

There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician. The other didn't have any money either.

What's the first thing a musician says at work?

``Would you like fries with that?''

Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. ``Tell me, what have you done in life?'' says St. Peter.

The Texan says, ``Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations.''

St. Peter says, ``That's quite something. Come on in. Next!''

The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, ``I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children.''

``Wonderful!'' says Saint Peter. ``Come in. Who's next?''

The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, ``Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime.''

``Heavens!'' says St. Peter. ``What instrument did you play?''

St. Peter's still checking ID's. He asks a man, ``What did you do on Earth?''

The man says, ``I was a doctor.''

St. Peter says, ``Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?''

``I was a school teacher.''

``Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?''

``I was a musician.''

``Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen...''

What's the difference between a seamstress and a violist?

The seamstress tucks up the frills.

What's the difference between a seamstress and a soprano?

The seamstress tucks and frills.

What's the difference between a seamstress and a french horn player?

The seamstress says ``Tuck the frills.''

``Wagner's music has beautiful moments but some bad quarters of an hour.``

--Rossini

``Richard Wagner's music is better than it sounds.''

-- Mark Twain

``A critic is like a eunuch: he knows exactly how it ought to be done.''

Borodin nothing to do!!

Haydn's Chopin Liszt at Vivaldi's:

• Rossini and cheese
• Schumann polish
• Bern-n-stein remover
• Satie mushrooms
• batteries (Purcell)
• BeethOVEN cleaner
• Hummel microwave meals
• orange Schubert
• TchaiCOUGHsky drops
• marshMahlers
• Honey-nut Berlioz
• Cui-tips
• Chef Boyardee Raveli
• sour cream and Ives
• Strauss (straws)
• chocolate Webers (wafers)
• Del Monteverdi corn
• Mozart-rella cheese
• I Can't Believe it's not Rutter
• Bach of serial (opera)
• chicken Balakirev
• new door Handel
• Golden Brahms
• Clemen-TEA
• Little Debussy snack cakes
• Oscar Meyerbeer bologna

Quite a number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony under the baton of Milton Katims.

Now at this point, you must understand two things:

• There's a quite long segment in this symphony where the basses don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.
• There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400, right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians.

It had been decided that during this performance, once the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the symphony, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage, rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and quaff a few brews.

After they had downed the first couple rounds, one said, ``Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late.''

Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place, replied, ``Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other.''

So they had another round, and finally returned to the Opera house, a little tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble. Katims was furious! After all...

It was the bottom of the Ninth,
the basses were loaded,
and the score was tied.

From: EFFICIENCY & TICKET, LTD., Management Consultants
To: Chairman, The London Symphony Orchestra
Re: Schubert's Symphony No. 8 in B minor.

After attending a rehearsal of this work we make the following observations and recommendations:

• We note that the twelve first violins were playing identical notes, as were the second violins. Three violins in each section, suitably amplified, would seem to us to be adequate.
• Much unnecessary labour is involved in the number of demisemiquavers in this work; we suggest that many of these could be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver thus saving practice time for the individual player and rehearsal time for the entire ensemble. The simplification would also permit more use of trainee and less-skilled players with only marginal loss of precision.
• We could find no productivity value in string passages being repeated by the horns; all tutti repeats could also be eliminated without any reduction of efficiency.
• In so labour-intensive an undertaking as a symphony, we regard the long oboe tacet passages to be extremely wasteful. What notes this instrument is called upon to play could, subject to a satisfactory demarcation conference with the Musician's Union, be shared out equitably amongst the other instruments.

Conclusion: if the above recommendations are implemented the piece under consideration could be played through in less than half an hour with concomitant savings in overtime, lighting and heating, wear and tear on the instruments and hall rental fees. Also, had the composer been aware of modern cost-effective procedures he might well have finished this work.

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Definitions:

• string quartet: a good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists, all getting together to complain about composers.
• detaché: an indication that the trombones are to play with their slides removed.
• glissando: a technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.
• subito piano: indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.
• risoluto: indicates to orchestras that they are to stubbornly maintain the correct tempo no matter what the conductor tries to do.
• senza sordino: a term used to remind the player that he forgot to put his mute on a few measures back.
• preparatory beat: a threat made to singers, i.e., sing, or else....
• crescendo: a reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.
• conductor: a musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.
• clef: something to jump from before the viola solo.
• transposition: the act of moving the relative pitch of a piece of music that is too low for the basses to a point where it is too high for the sopranos.
• vibrato: used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.
• half step: the pace used by a cellist when carrying his instrument.
• coloratura soprano: a singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but who has a wild time hunting for it.
• chromatic scale: an instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds.
• bar line: a gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or two.
• ad libitum: a premiere.
• beat: what music students do to each other with their instruments. The down beat is performed on top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin.
• cadence: when everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.
• diatonic: low-calorie Schweppes.
• lamentoso: with handkerchiefs.
• virtuoso: a musician with very high morals. (I know one)
• music: a complex organizations of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience.
• oboe: an ill wind that nobody blows good.
• opera: when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding, he sings.
• Collective noun: a plague of conductors.

When asked by the Pope (I forget which one) what the Catholic Church could do for music, Igor Stravinsky is reputed to have answered without hesitation: ``Give us back castrati!''

  Musical Definitions

• Accent: An unusual manner of pronunciation, eg: "Y'all sang that real good!"
• Accidentals: Wrong notes.
• Ad Libitum: A premiere.
• Agitato: A string player's state of mind when a peg slips in the middle of a piece.
• Agnus Dei: A woman composer famous for her church music.
• Altered Chord: A sonority that has been spayed.
• Attaca: "Fire at will!"
• Augmented Fifth: A 36-ounce bottle.
• Bar Line: A gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or two.
• Beat: What music students to do each other with their musical instruments. The down beat is performed on the top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin.
• Bravo: Literally, How bold! or What nerve! This is a spontaneous expression of appreciation on the part of the concert goer after a particularly trying performance.
• Breve: The way a sustained note sounds when a violinist runs out of bow.
• Cadence:
  • The short nickname of a rock group whose full name is Cadence Clearwater Revival.
  • When everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.

  (Final Cadence: when they FORCE you to stop.)

• Cantus Firmus: The part you get when you can only play four notes.
• Chord: Usually spelled with an "s" on the end, means a particular type of pants, eg: "He wears chords."
• Chromatic Scale: An instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds.
• Clef:
  • If a student cannot sing, he may have an affliction of the palate, called a clef.
  • Something to jump from if you can't sing and you have to teach elementary school.
• Coloratura Soprano: A singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but who has a wild time hunting for it.
• Compound Meter: A place to park your car that requires two dimes.
• Duple Meter: May take any even number of coins.
• Triple Meter: Only rich people should park by these.
• Meter Signature: The name of the maid who writes you a ticket when you put an odd number of coins in a duple meter.
• Conduct: The type of air vents in a prison, especially designed to prevent escape. Could also be installed for effective use in a practice room.
• Conductor: A musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.
• Counterpoint: A favorite device of many Baroque composers, all of whom are dead, though no direct connection between these two facts has been established. Still taught in many schools, as a form of punishment.
• Countertenor: A singing waiter.
• Crescendo: A reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.
• Cut Time: When you're going twice as fast as everyone else in the orchestra.
• Detache: An indication that the trombones are to play with the slides removed.
• Discord: Not to be confused with Datcord.
• Dominant: An adjective used to describe the voice of a child who sings off key.
• Duration: Can be used to describe how long a music teacher can exercise self-control.
• English Horn: Neither English nor a horn, not to be confused with the French Horn, which is German.
• Espressivo: Close eyes and play with a wide vibrato.
• Fermata: A brand of girdle made especially for opera singers.
• Flat: This is what happens to a tonic if it sits too long in the open air.
• Flute: A sophisticated pea shooter with a range of up to 500 yards, blown transversely to confuse the enemy.
• Form:
  • The shape of a composition.
  • The shape of the musician playing the composition.
  • The people of paper to be filled out in triplicate in order to get enough money from the Arts Council to play the composition.
• Glissando:
  • The musical equivalent of slipping on a banana peel.
  • A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.
• Half Step: The pace used by a cellist when carrying his instrument.
• Harmonic Minor: A good music student.
• Harmony: A corn-like food eaten by people with accents (see above for definition of accent).
• Hemiola: A hereditary blood disease caused by chromatics.
• Heroic Tenor: A singer who gets by on sheer nerve and tight clothing.
• Lamentoso: With handkerchiefs.
• Major Triad: The name of the head of the Music Department.
• Minor Triad: the name of the wife of the head of the Music Department.
• Mean-Tone Temperament: One's state of mind when everybody's trying to tune at the same time.
• Modulation: "Nothing is bad in modulation."
• Music:
• Tempo: This is where a headache begins.
• Tone Cluster: A chordal orgy first discovered by a well-endowed woman pianist leaning forward for a page turn.
• Tonic: Medicinal liquid to be consumed before, during, or after a performance. (Diatonic: This is what happens to some musicians.)
• Transposition: The act of moving the relative pitch of a piece of music that is too low for the basses to a point where it is too high for the sopranos.
• Trill: The musical equivalent of an epileptic seizure.
• Triplet: One of three children, born to one mother very closely in time. If a composer uses a lot of triplets he has probably been taking a fertility drug.
• Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.
• Virtuoso: A musician with very high morals.

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