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VIOLIN : CELLO : BRASS : HARP : PIANO : FLUTE & PICCOLO : DOUBLE REED : CLARINET : SAXOPHONE : TROMBONE : FRENCH HORN : TUBA : PERCUSSION : BODRAN : SOPRANO : TENOR : BASS : HIGH SCHOOL CHORUS : FOLK MUSIC : GUITAR : ACCORDIAN : CHANG : CONDUCTOR/MISCELLANEOUS : DEFINITIONS : MORE DEFINITIONS


 

Strings

Violin Jokes

What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger.
Why are viola jokes so short?
So violinists can understand them.
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can't get up that high!
String players' motto: ``It's better to be sharp than out of tune.''
Why is a violinist like a Scud missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.
Did you hear about the violist who bragged that he could play 32nd notes?
The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.
Why don't viola players suffer from piles (hæmorrhoids)?
Because all the assholes are in the first violin section.
What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
No-one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.


Cello Jokes

How do you get a 'cellist to play fortissimo?
Write ``pp, espressivo''
How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.


Bass Jokes

Did you hear about the bassist who was so out of tune his section noticed?

How many string bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None; the piano player can do that with his left hand.
 
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A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral society's annual performance of Handel's Messiah.

He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, ``Would you like a moment to tune?''

The bass player replied with some surprise, ``Why? Isn't it the same as last year?''


Two bass players were engaged for a run of Carmen. After a couple of weeks, they agreed each to take an afternoon off in turn to go and watch the matinee performance from the front of house.

Joe duly took his break; back in the pit that evening, Moe asked how it was.

``Great,'' says Joe. ``You know that bit where the music goes `BOOM Boom Boom Boom'--well there are some guys up top singing a terrific song about a Toreador at the same time.''

 

How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.
What's the difference between a Trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?
I don't know either.

In an emergency a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some solos with a symphony orchestra. Everything went fine through the first movement, when she had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she started going improvising madly when she wasn't supposed to play at all.

After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She said, ``I looked in the score and it said `tacit'--so I took it!''

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Harp Jokes

Why are harps like elderly parents?
Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
How long does a harp stay in tune?
About 20 minutes, or until someone opens a door.
What's the definition of a quarter tone?
A harpist tuning unison strings.


Piano Jokes

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?
Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff.

The audience at a piano recital were appalled when a telephone rang just off stage. Without missing a note the soloist glanced toward the wings and called, ``If that's my agent, tell him I'm working!''


Woodwinds

Flute & Piccolo Jokes

How do concert band flute players change a lightbulb?
They ask their boyfriends to do it for them.
How do you get two piccolos to play in unison?
Shoot one.
 
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Double Reed Jokes

How do you get 5 oboes in tune?
Shoot 4 of them.
Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
The bassoon burns longer.
What is a burning oboe good for?
Setting a bassoon on fire.
What is the definition of a half step?
Two oboes playing in unison.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.
What's an oboe?
It's an ill wind that nobody blows good


Clarinet Jokes

How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but it takes him forever to find just the right bulb.
What's the definition of ``nerd?''
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.
What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
People cry when you chop an onion into pieces.


Saxophone Jokes

Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.
What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?


The soprano, not being smart enough to use birth control, says to her saxophonist lover, ``Honey, I think you better pull out now.''

He replies, ``Why? Am I sharp?''

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Trombone Jokes

What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?
              • Vibrato.
              • It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw.
How can you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
              • Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.
              • Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes!
How do you know when a trombone player is at your door?
The doorbell drags.
What is a gentleman?
Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.
What do you call a trombonist with a beeper?
A optimist.
What is the difference between a dead trombone player lying in the road, and a dead squirrel lying in the road?
The squirrel was on his way to a gig.
How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.
How do you know when there's a trombonist at your door?
His hat says ``Domino's''
How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.
What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
``Year-At-A-Glance.''


French Horn Jokes

How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?
Have them miss every other note.
How can you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.
What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy?
You can tune a '57 Chevy.
What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost?
A goalpost that can't march.
How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.

There once was a woman who had gone a long time without so much as the hope of having a relationship. When she finally picked up a handsome looking guy and went out with him, her friends were naturally curious as to how it went.

``What's he like?'' said the woman's friend the day after the big event.

``Oh, he's fine, I guess. He's a musician, you know,'' said she.

``Did he have class?'' said the friend.

The friend's ears perked up as the woman said: ``Well, most of the time, yes, but I don't think I'll be going out with him again.''

``Oh? Why not?'' asked the friend.

``Well, he plays the french horn, so I guess it's just habit, but every time we kiss, he sticks his fist in my rear!''


Tuba Jokes

What's the range of a tuba?
Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!
How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
Three! One to hold the bulb and two to drink 'till the room spins.
What's a tuba for?
1 1/2'' by 3 1/2'' unless you request ``full cut.''
 
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Percussionist Jokes

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They have a machine to do it for them.
Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to retrain the drummers.
What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A drummer.
What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
Drool.
How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
The knock always slows down.
How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.
Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.
How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but he'll break 5 of them before he figures out you can't just push them in.
Why do drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves in the parade.
If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.

Heard backstage: ``Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the stage!''


Bodhran Jokes

What do you call a groupie who hangs around and annoys musicians?
A bodhran player.
What is the difference between a bodhran player and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathisers.
How do you know when there is a bodhran player at your front door?
The knocking gets faster and faster and faster.
What do bodhran players use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the best thing to play a bodhran with?
A razor blade.
 
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Soprano Jokes:

If you threw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? (two answers)
              • The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.
              • Who cares?
What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
What do you say to a soprano at the door?
It doesn't matter what you say, she still won't know when to come in.
What's the difference between a soprano and a piranha?
The lipstick.
What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
The jewellery.
How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
Four--one to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under her.
What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and the average All-Pro offensive lineman?
Stage makeup.
What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
About 10 pounds.
How is a soubrette different from a sewer rat?
Some people actually like sewer rats.
What is the difference between a soubrette and a cobra?
One is deadly poisonous, and the other is a reptile.
How do you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead?
The horses seem very relieved.
What's the first thing a soprano does in the morning?
Gets up and goes home.
What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
Most musicians have never been in a Porsche.

A jazz musician dies and goes to heaven. He is told ``Hey man, welcome! You have been elected to the Jazz All-Stars of Heaven--right up there with Satchmo, Miles, Django, all the greats. We have a gig tonight. Only one problem--God's girlfriend gets to sing.''

 

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Tenor Jokes:

How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
Four--one to change the bulb and three to bitch that they could have done it if they had the high notes.
What do you see if you look up a soprano's skirt?
A tenor.
How do you tell if a tenor is dead?
The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched.
How do you put a sparkle in a soprano's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Where is a tenor's resonance?
Where his brain should be.
What's the definition of a male quartet?
Three men and a tenor.

Did you hear about the tenor who announced that in the following season he would only sing three title roles: Othello, Samson, and Forza del Destino? (true story)

If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end, it would be a good idea.

 

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Bass Jokes

How do you tell if a bass is actually dead?
Hold out a check (but don't be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred).
How do you tell if a bass is dead?

  • Who cares?

    In the last act of Don Giovanni, there is always a statue which is replaced at some point by a real singer, a bass (the Commendatore). How can you tell when the switch has occurred?
    The ``statue'' starts looking a bit stiff.
    What is the difference between the men's final at Wimbledon and a high school choral performance?
    The tennis final has more men.
    How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
    On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.
    What is the difference between a world war and a high school choral performance?
    The performance causes more suffering.
    Why do high school choruses travel so often?
    Keeps assassins guessing.
    What is the difference between a high school choral director and a chimpanzee?
    It's scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans.
     
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    Folk/Rock/Popular Music and Instruments /Banjo Jokes

    What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
    The chain saw has greater dynamic range.
    What's the difference between a banjo and a cattle grid?
    People slow down before they drive over a cattle grid.

    There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.

    Female five string banjoist shouting at her boyfriend in a crowded shopping mall: ``Don't forget, sweetheart, I need a new G string.''

     

    Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
    To get away from the noise.
    What's the difference between an Appalachian dulcimer and a hammered dulcimer?
    A hammered dulcimer burns hotter; an Appalachian dulcimer burns longer.
    How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
    Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one.
    What happens if you play blues music backwards?
    Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
    What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?
    ``I didn't wake up this morning...''
    ``Hey, buddy, how late do the filkers play?''
    ``Oh, about half a beat behind...''
    How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
    One, two, three, one, two, three...

    Two musicians are driving down a road. All of a sudden they notice the Grim Reaper in the back seat. Death informs them that they had an accident and they both died. But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants each musician with one last request to remind them of their past life on earth. The first musician says he was a Country & Western musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Achy-Breaky Heart as a last hoorah! The second musician says ``I was a jazz musician...kill me now!''

     

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    Guitar Jokes

    What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of his mouth?
    The stage is level.
    How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
    Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better.
    Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?
    How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
    Give him some sheet music.
    How do you make him stop?
    Put notes on it!
    What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common.
    Both suck when you plug them in.
    How do you make a bass player turn down the volume?
    Put a chart in front of him.
    How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
    None--they just steal somebody else's light.


    Accordion Jokes

    If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first?
    Who cares?
    What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
    The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.
    What do you call ten accordions at the bottom of the ocean?
    A good start.

    New bumper sticker seen: ``Use an accordion--go to jail!''

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    Chang Jokes

    A ``Chang'' is a Central Asian instrument (from countries such as Uzbekistan). It's something like a hammered dulcimer with a damper pedal.

    How long does it take to tune a chang?
    Nobody knows.
    Why is it so difficult to tune a chang?
    So that violist can feel superior about something.
    Q: How many chang players does it take to change a light bulb?
    All of them. One to twist the bulb for several hours, and the other one to decide that it's as good as it's going to get, and that they might as well flip the switch.


    General and Conductor Jokes

    What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
    The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.
    A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
    The conductor. Business before pleasure.
    Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
    They've had so little use.
    What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
    The sack.
    What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete?
    Not enough concrete.
    What's the definition of an optimist?
    A choral director with a mortgage.
    Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European Festival?
    The good news: it crashed.
    The bad news: there were three empty seats on board.
    What's the difference between a symphony conductor and Dr Scholl's footpads?
    Dr Scholl's footpads buck up the feet.
    What's the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor?
    There are some things a pig just won't do.
    What is the ideal weight for a conductor?
    About 2 1/2 lbs. including the urn.

    It is difficult to trust anyone whose instrument changes shape as he plays it!


    A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. ``I'm sorry, he's dead,'' comes the reply.

    The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply from the receptionist. At last she asks him why he keeps calling. ``I just like to hear you say it.''


    A musician arrived at the pearly gates.

    ``What did you do when you were alive?'' asked St. Peter.

    ``I was the principal trombone player of the London Symphony Orchestra''

    ``Excellent! We have a vacancy in our celestial symphony orchestra for a trombonist. Why don't you turn up at the next rehearsal.''

    So, when the time for the next rehearsal arrived our friend turned up with his heavenly trombone [sic]. As he took his seat God moved, in a mysterious way, to the podium and tapped his baton to bring the players to attention. Our friend turned to the angelic second trombonist (!) and whispered, ``So, what's God like as a conductor?''

    ``Oh, he's O.K. most of the time, but occasionally he thinks he's von Karajan.''


    It was the night of the big symphony concert, and all the town notables showed up to hear it. However, it was getting close to 8 o'clock and the conductor hadn't yet shown up. The theater's manager was getting desperate, knowing that he'd have to refund everyone's money if he cancelled the concert, so he went backstage and asked all the musicians if any could conduct.

    None of them could, so he went around and asked the staff if any of them could conduct. He had no luck there either, so he started asking people in the lobby, in the hope that maybe one of them could conduct the night's concert.

    He still hadn't found anyone, so he went outside and started asking everybody passing by if they could conduct. He had no luck whatsoever and by this time the concert was 15 minutes late in starting. The assistant manager came out to say that the crowd was getting restless and about ready to demand their money back.

    The desperate manager looked around and spied a cat, a dog, and a horse standing in the street. ``Oh, what the heck,'' he exclaimed, ``let's ask them--what do we have to lose?''

    So the manager and assistant manager went up to the cat, and the manager asked ``Mr. cat, do you know how to conduct?'' The cat meowed ``I don't know, I'll try,'' but though it tried really hard, it just couldn't stand upright on its hind legs. The manager sighed and thanked the cat, and then moved on to the dog.

    ``Mr. dog,'' he asked, ``do you think you can conduct?'' The dog woofed ``Let me see,'' but although it was able to stand up on its hind legs and wave its front paws around, it just couldn't keep upright long enough to last through an entire movement.

    ``Well, nice try,'' the manager told the dog, and with a sigh of resignation turned to the horse. ``Mr. horse,'' he asked, ``how about you--can you conduct?'' The horse looked at him for a second and then without a word turned around, presented its hind end, and started swishing its tail in perfect four-four time.

    ``That's it!'' the manager exclaimed, ``the concert can go on!'' However, right then the horse dropped a load of plop onto the street. The assistant manager was horrified, and he told the manager ``We can't have this horse conduct! What would the orchestra think?''

    The manager looked first at the horse's rear end and then at the plop lying in the street and replied ``trust me--from this angle, the orchestra won't even know they have a new conductor!''


    Once upon a time, there was a blind rabbit and blind snake, both living in the same neighborhood. One beautiful day, the blind rabbit was hopping happily down the path toward his home, when he bumped into someone. Apologizing profusely he explained, ``I am blind, and didn't see you there.''

    ``Perfectly all right,'' said the snake, ``because I am blind, too, and did not see to step out of your way.''

    A conversation followed, gradually becoming more intimate, and finally the snake said, ``This is the best conversation I have had with anyone for a long time. Would you mind if I felt you to see what you are like?''

    ``Why, no,'' said the rabbit. ``Go right ahead.''

    So the snake wrapped himself around the rabbit and shuffled and snuggled his coils, and said, ``MMMM! You're soft and warm and fuzzy and cuddly...and those ears! You must be a rabbit.''

    ``Why, that's right!'' said the rabbit. ``May I feel you?''

    ``Go right ahead.'' said the snake, stretching himself out full length on the path.

    The rabbit began to stroke the snake's body with his paws, then drew back in disgust. ``Yuck!'' he said. ``You're cold...and slimy... you must be a conductor!''


    ``Mommy,'' said the little girl, ``can I get pregnant by anal intercourse?''

    ``Of course you can.'' her mother replied. ``How do you think conductors are made?''


    What do you call a musician without a significant other?
    Homeless.
    There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician. The other didn't have any money either.
    What's the first thing a musician says at work?
    ``Would you like fries with that?''

    Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. ``Tell me, what have you done in life?'' says St. Peter.

    The Texan says, ``Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations.''

    St. Peter says, ``That's quite something. Come on in. Next!''

    The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, ``I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children.''

    ``Wonderful!'' says Saint Peter. ``Come in. Who's next?''

    The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, ``Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime.''

    ``Heavens!'' says St. Peter. ``What instrument did you play?''


    St. Peter's still checking ID's. He asks a man, ``What did you do on Earth?''

    The man says, ``I was a doctor.''

    St. Peter says, ``Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?''

    ``I was a school teacher.''

    ``Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?''

    ``I was a musician.''

    ``Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen...''


    What's the difference between a seamstress and a violist?
    The seamstress tucks up the frills.


    What's the difference between a seamstress and a soprano?
    The seamstress tucks and frills.


    What's the difference between a seamstress and a french horn player?
    The seamstress says ``Tuck the frills.''


    ``Wagner's music has beautiful moments but some bad quarters of an hour.``
    --Rossini
    ``Richard Wagner's music is better than it sounds.''
    -- Mark Twain
    ``A critic is like a eunuch: he knows exactly how it ought to be done.''

    Borodin nothing to do!!

    Haydn's Chopin Liszt at Vivaldi's:

    Quite a number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony under the baton of Milton Katims.

    Now at this point, you must understand two things:

    It had been decided that during this performance, once the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the symphony, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage, rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and quaff a few brews.

    After they had downed the first couple rounds, one said, ``Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late.''

    Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place, replied, ``Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other.''

    So they had another round, and finally returned to the Opera house, a little tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble. Katims was furious! After all...

    It was the bottom of the Ninth,
    the basses were loaded,
    and the score was tied.


    From: EFFICIENCY & TICKET, LTD., Management Consultants
    To: Chairman, The London Symphony Orchestra
    Re: Schubert's Symphony No. 8 in B minor.

    After attending a rehearsal of this work we make the following observations and recommendations:

    Conclusion: if the above recommendations are implemented the piece under consideration could be played through in less than half an hour with concomitant savings in overtime, lighting and heating, wear and tear on the instruments and hall rental fees. Also, had the composer been aware of modern cost-effective procedures he might well have finished this work.

     

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    Definitions:

    When asked by the Pope (I forget which one) what the Catholic Church could do for music, Igor Stravinsky is reputed to have answered without hesitation: ``Give us back castrati!''


     

     

      Musical Definitions

     

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