and something totally different WHAT TO SAY IF YOU'RE CAUGHT WITH THIS ON YOUR SCREEN
These are the answers from dogs when asked "How many dogs does it take to put in a light bulb?"
Golden Retriever The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .
Lab Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Cocker Spaniel Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Irish Wolfhound Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.
Pointer I see it, there it is, right there...
Greyhound It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep Dog Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."
When Good Dogs Go and Crossbreed
Pointer + Setter =
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier =
Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund =
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso =
Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel =
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever =
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound =
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog =
Terribull, a dog prone to awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador =
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer =
Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie + Malamute =
Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier =
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
Cocker Spaniel + Rottweiller =
Cockrot, the perfect puppy for that philandering ex-husband
Bull Terrier + Shitzu =
Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed
50 reasons for a girl to choose a dog... and not a man
A dog has long been a man's best friend. Few women have a problem with that. But when The Field - the magazine devoted to the hunting, shooting, fishing fraternity - suggested 50 reasons why dogs are better than women, it started the paw wars.
Spots are an attractive feature on a dog.
A dog is better protection from intruders.
Dogs enjoy ball games. But they don't spend six hours on the phone trying to get tickets for France 98.
Dogs greet each other by sniffing bottoms. Men are far less polite.
Puppy love doesn't wear off so quickly with a dog.
You can be prosecuted for neglecting a dog.
Dogs can find their way back home - even after a really heavy night out.
Dogs can be trained not to lie on the bed. Men always lie in bed.
A dog can moult without becoming obsessed about premature baldness.
Dogs can be taught the meaning of the word "NO!"
A dog is far less irritation to have in the back seat of a car...
...and will be less likely to show its rear end to the people in the vehicle behind for a laugh.
Elizabeth Hurley has a faithful dog whom she loves dearly.
If a dog says sausages, that's clever. If a man says sausages, that's just greedy.
Dogs will wait patiently outside clothes shops...
...and not criticize your purchases afterwards.
A dog will fetch the morning paper for you.
A dog will trot faithfully round at your heel.
Dogs don't break wind in public and blame it on the man.
In the canine world, boxers are quite intelligent.
If a dog gets ill, it won't take eighteen Panadols in order to avoid having to go to the vet.
You can also ask the vet to perform the snip, even if the dog objects.
Small, ginger-haired dogs can be quite appealing. As for men? Two words. Robin Cook.
You can find a nice dog by advertising on a card in a shop window, or in the classified section of the local paper.
A woman can live with more than one dog, without rumours starting.
When dogs beg, it's cute. When men beg it's pathetic,
Dogs sometimes dig the garden.
A dog can go out fox-hunting without being incredibly stuck up and pompous. and pompous.
Dogs don't necessarily prefer blondes.
Dogs won't get embarrassed if you call them by a pet name when their friends are around.
Dogs travel more cheaply on the bus.
Dogs whine less.
Some dogs can be quite talented at singing.
Men lost the World Cup. A dog found it.
Dogs are less reliant on tinned food..
...but after a few cans, a dog will still be able to stand up.
And there are some things even a dog won't eat - like the remains of a three-day-old King Prawn vindaloo that they found on the floor behind the sofa.
You can leave a dog alone in your house without worrying so much about what it'll break.
A dog gets a new coat every winter.
Dogs are not so careless about leaving puddles on the bathroom floor.
A dog is less likely to leave a filthy, stinking mess for you to clear up.
For a dog, a wet nose is a sign of GOOD health.
Men are even less useful for testing cosmetics on.
Dogs don't wolf-whistle.
There are still thousands of totally undomesticated dogs in Australia; but far more undomesticated men.
Your dog will never refer to you as 'a bitch'.
In disaster films, the dog is always far more likely to have a miraculous escape.
Dogs do not waste money betting on the dogs.
You can stop dogs getting too randy by throwing a bucket or water over them.
All the best clips on 'You've Been Framed' are the ones with dogs in.
If a dog starts worrying sheep, that's just its natural predatory instinct. If a MAN starts worrying sheep, however...
A 'King Charles' is much more likely to be a big, floppy-eared dog than a big floppy-eared man.
You can also call a dog schitzu without offending it.
"Working like a dog" is strenuous. Working like a man is, er - not.
You can fondle your dog in the park without being arrested.
A dog will encourage you to lose weight by taking more exercise. A man will just remark on how big your bum looks.
Dogs do not attack other dogs for being a different colour.
Having a dog around the place can actually ease stress.
You'd feel guilty about turning a dog out on the street.
A dog can take a barrel of brandy to a lost mountaineer without drinking ANY.
There aren't so many good reasons to keep a dog muzzled in public.
You can buy a dog's affection with a squeaky toy.
A dog will be eager to walk, rather than getting a taxi.
Most dogs are really good with children.
Dogs have a highly-developed sense of smell. Men, on the other hand, can quite happily wear the same pair of pants for a fortnight.
A dog is more useful for tracking down criminals.
Who did YOU miss most from Blue Peter - John Noakes or Shep?
A dog might actually take a bath of its own accord.
There's more chance of your dog being able to operate the video recorder.
You can buy a choke-chain for a dog.
A 16-year-old dog is very mature.
A dog is easier to keep well- groomed.
Dogs have more chance of receiving an award for bravery.
Dogs are easier to house-train.
Dog do not scratch themselves so much in polite company.
A dog can look as though it understands what you're saying.
Dogs went into space first.
A man will roll over and play dead only if you ask him to get up and make coffee.
Dogs enjoy swimming, and not for the chance to ogle girls in bikinis.
Being a dog's mistress is no reason to feel ashamed.
You can keep your dog tied up if it starts misbehaving.
Saggy skin and a hang-dog look aren't half as appealing on a man.
You can train a dog in obedience.
A dog in a studded collar isn't kinky.
Few men would answer to 'Lassie'.
A dog is a pack animal. A man is a six-pack animal.
Dogs spend the day sniffing drugs only if they're with the police.
Dogs aren't obsessed with 'doing it man-fashion'.
A dog is a faithful companion.
A dog is for life.
15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper."
12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
9. "Actually I was doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan"(SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."
8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"
7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
6. "The coffee machine is broke...."
5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
2. "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without using my hands."
And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at
your desk:
1. "Amen."
The Good Breeding Guide
Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by...oh well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
Bull Terrier + Shitzu
Bull Shitzu, a gregarious but unreliable breed
Pet Quotes