Twas the night before Christmas
'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the
annual
yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic
activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential,
including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus Musculus.
Hosiery
was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood-burning
caloric
apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding in
imminent
visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric
appelations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably esconced in their respective
accomodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual
hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically
through
their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal
head
coverings, were about to take slumbrous advantage of the hibernal
darkness
when upon the avenaceous exterior ortion of the grounds there
ascended such
a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to areise with
alacrity from
my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise
source
thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing
this
fenestration, noticing thereupon that the lunar brilliance without
reflected
as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation
might be said
to rival that of the solar aeridian itself -- thus permitting
my incredulous
optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered
conveyance
drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted
by a
miniscule, aged chauffer so ebullient and nimble that it became
instantly
apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With
his ungulate
motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous
velocity than patriotic alar predators, he voceferated loudly,
expelled
breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each
of the octet
by his or her respective cognomen -- "Now Dasher, now Dancer...et
al. --
guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through
which
structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each
of the
thirty-two cloven pedal extremities.
As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location and was
performing a
180 degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved, with utmost
celerity
and via a downward leap, entry by way of the smoke passage. He
was clad
entirely in animal pelts soiled by the the ebony residue from
the oxidations
of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof.
His
resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora
of
assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth
receptacle.
His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his
submaxillary
dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability.
The
capillaries of his molar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged
with
blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating
the
coloration of Albien's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus
avium,
or sweet cherry. His amusing sub and subralabials resembled nothing
so much
as a common loopknot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment
appeared
like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.
Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smokingpiece whose
gray fumes,
forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of
a decorative
seasonal cirlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high,
and when
he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated
in the
manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container.
He was, in
short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian
gnome, the
optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite
every
effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then
elevating one
eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated
that
trepidation on my part was groundless.
Without utterance and without dispatch, he commenced filling the
afore-mentioned hosiery with articles of merchandise extracted
from his
afore-mentioned hosiery with articles of merchandise extracted
from his
afore-mentioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle.
Upon
completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed
a single
manual digit in lateral justaposition to his olfactory organ,
inclined his
cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected
his
egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. he then
propelled
himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical
expulsion
of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds
of
burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable
chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But
I overheard
his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation
beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic yuletide to the
planetary
constituency, and to that selfsame assemblage, my sincerest wishes
for a
salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasureable period between
sunset
and dawn!"
The Universal Greeting
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best
wishes for an
environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive,
gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced
within
the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your
choice, or
secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular
persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to
practice
religious or secular traditions at all . . .
. . and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically
uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted
calendar
year 2000, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice
of other
cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America
great, (not
to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country
or is
the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without
regard to the
race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice
of
computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.
(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This
greeting
is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable
with
no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise
by the wisher
to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others,
and is
void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion
of the
wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the
usual
application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until
the issuance
of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty
is
limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish
at the sole
discretion of the wisher.)
IMMEDIATE DOWNSIZING MEASURES EMPLOYED
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to
take the
early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of
concern about
whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions
at
the North Pole.
Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of this
season's
gift distribution business. Home shopping channels, the Internet,
and mail
order catalogs have diminished Santa's market share. He could
not sit idly
by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase
of a late
model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity
from
Dasher and Dancer--who will retrain at the Harvard Business School--is
anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental
emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed.
Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management
denies,
in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's
nose got
that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling
Rudolph "a
lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the
load" was an
unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken
out of context
at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.
Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to
look for
better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following
economic measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of
Christmas"
subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned
out to be the
cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging
plant,
providing considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not
cost-effective. In addition, their romance during working hours
could not
be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone
loves the
French.
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail
system, with
a call-waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who
the birds
have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative
implications for institutional investors. Diversification into
other
precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology
stocks
appear to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer
be afforded.
It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per
goose per day
is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will
be let go,
and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will
assure
management that from now on every goose it obtains will be more
productive.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better
times.
Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on
order. The
current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and
therefore
enhance their outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under
heavy scrutiny
by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought.
The
more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward
mobility.
Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending,
a-mentoring, or a-mulching.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function
will be
phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do
the steps.
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the
expense of
international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to
suggest
replacing this group with ten out-of-work Congresspersons. While
leaping
ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant
because we
expect an oversupply of unemployed Congresspersons this year.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple
case of the
band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a
cutback on
new music, and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop
right down
to the bottom line.
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl,
animals and
other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching
deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship
in one day,
service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking
expansion
to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"),
action is
pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be
necessary in
the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board
will request
management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven
dwarfs is
the most efficient number.
I think Santa Claus is a woman....I hate to be the one to defy a sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
Men can't pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
Men don't answer their mail.
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men.........
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.
Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.
"Politically-cleansed" version of that old holiday favorite,
"The Twelve Days of Christmas."On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me,
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),
TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,
(NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs
THREE deconstructionist poets
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses
AND a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree