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More Christian Humor and Words of Wisdom


 

Christian Light bulb Jokes

No offense to Christians of any of these particular Denominational or Theological persuasions, excepting TV evangelists of course.

 

How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb? One, since his/her hands are in the air anyway.

How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb? None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.

How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb? 10, as they need to hold a debate into whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb they may not go ahead and change it for fear of alienating those who use fluorescent tubes.

How many Anglo-Catholics does it take to change a light bulb? None. They always use candles instead.

How many evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb? Evangelicals do not change light bulbs. They simply read out the instructions and hope the light bulb will decide to change itself.

How many Atheists does it take to change a light bulb? One. But they are still in darkness.

How many Brethren does it take to change a light bulb? Change?????

How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb? 10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness.

How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb? One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.

How many campfire worship leaders does it take to change a light bulb? One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.

How many independent Baptist's does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, anymore than that would be considered ecumenical.

How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb? One to actually change the bulb and 9 to say how much they like the old one.

 

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - (Deut 21:11-13)

Find a prostitute and marry her. - (Hosea 1:1-3)

Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.- Moses (Ex 2:16-21)

Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. - Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Jud 21:19-25)

Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you.-Adam (Gen 2:19-24)

Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. - Jacob (Gen 29:15-30)

Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife -David (I Samuel 18:27)

Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) - Cain (Gen 4:16-17)

Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. - Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." - Samson (Judges 14:1-3)

Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though).-David (2 Samuel 11)

Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) - Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)

A wife?...NOT? - Paul (1 Cor 7:32-35)

Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.

Don't listen to critics -- do what has to be done.

Build on high ground.

For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

Two heads are better than one.

Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.

If you can't fight or flee -- float!

Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.

Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.

When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain -- shovel!!!

Stay below deck during the storm.

Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.

If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.

Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.

Don't miss the boat.

No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the other side.

 

Noah and the Government

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark." And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time." And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall.
The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?"
A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah. "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls.
Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years,"
Noah wailed. The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully. "No," said the Lord sadly, "Government already has."

Paul's Chain Letter To
The Corinthians

What if Paul was the type to send chain letters? What if Paul really wrote chain letters in King James English? (This of course is the only authorized version of any respectable chain letter (sorry) :-)

The Chain Letter of Paul the Apostle to the Corinthians. With love all things are possible. This epistle comes to you from Philippi. Grace be to you and peace. Spiritual gifts will be delivered unto you within four days of receiving this letter - providing you in turn send it on.

This is no joke. Send copies to whomsoever among the Gentiles or superstitious peoples of other denominations you would comfort in all their tribulation. Do not send material things. Love vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up.

While visiting the household of Stephanas, a Macedonian proconsul received the epistle and was greeted by his brethren by a holy kiss. But he broke the chain, and now he is become as sounding brass or a tinkling cymbal.

Gaius bestowed all his goods to feed the poor, and gave his body to be burned, but it profited him nothing. He failed to circulate the letter. However, before his death, he received the unleavened bread of sincerity and truth.

Do note the following: Crispus had the gift of prophecy, and understood all mysteries, and all knowledge, and had all faith, so that he could remove mountains. But he forgot that the epistle had to leave his hands within 96 hours, and now he is nothing.

In AD 37, the epistle was received by a young Galatian woman who put it aside to copy and send out later. She was plagued by various problems: thrice she was beaten with rods, once she was stoned, and thrice suffered shipwreck. On the last day of these occasions, she spent a night and day in the deep. Finally, she copied the letter. A trumpet sounded, and she was raised incorruptible.

Remember: Believeth all things, hopeth all things. The chain never faileth.

--St. Paul (you think?)

 

RADICALLY REAL CHRISTIAN


When I say, "I am a Christian,"
I'm not shouting, "I am saved."
I'm whispering, "I get lost"
That is why I chose this way.

When I say, "I am a Christian,"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
And need someone to be my guide.

When I say, "I am a Christian,"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I am weak
And pray for strength to carry on.

When I say, "I am a Christian,"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
And cannot ever pay the debt.

When I say, "I am a Christian,"
I'm not claiming to be perfect.
My flaws are too visible
But God believes I'm worth it.

When I say, "I am a Christian,"
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
Which is why I seek HIS name.

When I say, "I am a Christian,"
I do not wish to judge.
I have no authority
I only know I'm loved.
--Author unknown.

 

 

A MEMO FROM GOD


Put It in God's Hands!
This is God. Today I will be handling all of your problems.
Please remember that I do not need your help.

If the devil happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle,
DO NOT attempt to resolve it. DO NOT attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it
in the SFJTD (something for Jesus to do) box. It will be addressed in My
time, not yours.

Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold on to it or attempt to
remove it. Holding on or removal will delay the resolution of your problem.

If it is a situation that you think you are capable of handling, please
consult Me in prayer to be sure that it is the proper resolution.

Because I do not sleep nor do I slumber, there is no need for you to lose
any sleep. Rest, My child. If you need to contact Me, I am only a prayer
away.
--Author unknown

 

 

 

MESSAGE FROM A MULE
(Shake It Off and Step Up)
A parable is told of a farmer who owned an old mule. The mule fell into the
farmer's well. The farmer heard the mule braying- or whatever mules do when
they fall into wells. After carefully assessing the situation, the farmer
sympathized with the mule, but decided that neither the mule nor the well
was worth the trouble of saving. Instead, he called his neighbors together
and told them what had happened. He enlisted them to help haul dirt to bury
the old mule in the well and put him out of his misery.

Initially, the old mule was hysterical. (Wouldn't you be with dirt being
flung on you?) But as the farmer and his neighbors continued shoveling and
the dirt hit his back, a thought struck him. It suddenly dawned on him that
every time a shovel load of dirt landed on his back, he should shake it off
and step up! This he did, blow after blow.

"Shake it off and step up...shake it off and step up...shake it off and
step up!" he repeated to encourage himself. No matter how painful the
blows, or how distressing the situation, the old mule fought panic and
just kept right on shaking it off and stepping up!

It wasn't long before the old mule, battered and exhausted, stepped
triumphantly over the wall of that well. What could have buried him blessed
him--all because of the manner in which he handled his adversity

 

THE GOD WHO KNOWS
When you are tired and discouraged from fruitless efforts...
God knows how hard you have tried.

When you've cried so long and your heart is in anguish...
God has counted your tears.

If you feel that your life is on hold and time has passed you by...
God is waiting with you.

When you're lonely and your friends are too busy even for a phone call...
God is by your side.

When you think you've tried everything and don't know where to turn...
God has a solution.

When nothing makes sense and you are confused or frustrated...
God has the answer.

If suddenly your outlook is brighter and you find traces of hope...
God has whispered to you.

When things are going well and you have much to be thankful for...
God has blessed you.

When something joyful happens and you are filled with awe...
God has smiled upon you.

When you have a purpose to fulfill and a dream to follow...
God has opened your eyes and called you by name.

Remember that wherever you are or whatever you are facing...
God knows.

 

PARADOXICALLY POOR
(The Paradox of Our Age)
We have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower
viewpoints; we spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less
time; we have more degrees, but less common sense; more knowledge, but less
judgment; more experts, but more problems; more medicine, but less wellness.

We spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry
too quickly, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too seldom, watch TV
too much and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.

We talk too much, love too seldom and lie too often.

We've learned how to make a living but not a life; we've added years to
life, not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the
street to meet the new neighbor.

We've conquered outer space but not inner space; we've done larger things
but not better things; we've cleaned up the air but polluted the soul;
we've split the atom but not our prejudice; we write more but learn less;
plan more but accomplish less.

We've learned to rush but not to wait; we have higher incomes but lower
morals; more food but less appeasement; more acquaintances but fewer
friends; more effort but less success.

We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies
than ever but have less communication; we've become long on quantity but
short on quality.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, tall men and short
character, steep profits and shallow relationships.

These are the times of world peace but domestic warfare, more leisure and
less fun, more kinds of food but less nutrition.

These are days of two incomes but more divorce; of fancier houses but
broken homes.

These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality,
one-night stands and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the
stock room. Lord, save us from ourselves!
--Author unknown

 

WHEN I ASKED GOD
I asked for strength and
God gave me difficulties to make me strong.

I asked for wisdom and
God gave me problems to solve.

I asked for prosperity and
God gave me brawn and brain to work.

I asked for courage and
God gave dangers to overcome.

I asked for love and
God gave me troubled people to help.

I asked for favors and
God gave me opportunities.

I received nothing I wanted.
I received everything I needed.

My prayer has been answered.
--Author unknown
Reprinted from Weekend Encounter newsletter

  

 

 

 

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