A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in
the Irish countryside except for a pet
dog he doted on. The dog finally died, and Muldoon went to the
parish
priest, saying "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly
be saying a
mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services
for an animal in
the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination
down the road
apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll
do something
for the animal."
Muldoon said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think
$50,000 is enough
to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick replied "Why didn't you tell me the dog was
Catholic."
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While
on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing
God, she
asked if this was it. God said, "No you have another 43 years,
2 months,
and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have
a face
lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even
had
someone come in and change her hair color, figuring since she
had so much
more time to live, she might as well make the most of it.
She got out of the hospital after the last operation and while
crossing, the
street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said
I had another 40
Years?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said,
"In six months I am going to make it
rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil
people are
destroyed, but I want to save a few good people and two of every
kind of
living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an ark."
And in a
flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an ark.
"Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling
with the blueprints.
"Six months and it starts to rain, " thundered the Deity.
"You'd better
have the ark completed or learn to swim for a very long time."
Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall.
The Lord
saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping...........
and there
was no ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "Where is
the ark?" "Lord, please
forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there
were big problems.
First, I had to get a building permit for the ark construction
project and
your plans didn't meet code, so I had to hire an engineer to re-draw
the
plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the ark
needed a
fire sprinkler system. Then my neighbor objected claiming I was
violating
zoning by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a
variance from
the city planning commission. Then I had a problem getting enough
wood for
the ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted
owl. I
had to convince the US Fish and Wildlife that I need the wood
to save the
owls, but they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls. The
carpenters
formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement
with
the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up
a saw or
hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat and still
no owls.
Then I started gathering up animals and got sued by an animal
rights group.
They objected to my taking only two of each kind.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't
complete
the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your
proposed
flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction
over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corp of Engineers
wanted
a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now I am still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal
Employment
Opportunity Commission over who I am supposed to hire. The IRS
has seized
all my assets claiming I am trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving
the
country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them
some kind
of use tax. I really don't think I can finish the ark for at least
another
five years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched
across
the sky. Noah looked up and smiled.
"You mean you are not going to destroy the earth?" Noah
asked hopefully.
"No, " said the Lord sadly. "The government already
has!"
The following is a confidential report
on several candidates being
considered for a bishop.
Adam: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference
told of how
his wife and he enjoy walking nude in the woods.
Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with not even one convert.
Prone to
unrealistic building projects.
Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts
seem to
show he never slept with another man's wife, but did offer to
share his own
wife with another man.
Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting,
and
has a prison record.
Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering
at
times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he
left an
earlier church over a murder charge.
David: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the
affair he
had with his neighbor's wife.
Solomon: Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all
those wives.
Elijah: Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure.
Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his
former
church.
Hosea: A tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle
his
wife's occupation.
Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting
things,
reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the
bank of a
foreign river.
Isaiah: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has
trouble
with his language.
Jonah: Refused God's call into ministry until he was forced to
obey by
getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later
spit him
out on the shore near here. We hung up.
Amos: Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training
he might
have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people--might
fit in better
in a poor congregation.
Melchizedek: Great credentials at current work place, but where
does this
guy come from? No information on his resume about former work
records.
Every line about parents was left blank and he refused to supply
a birth
date.
John: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn't dress like
one. Has
slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and
provokes
denominational leaders.
Peter: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper-even has been known to
curse. Had
a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.
Paul: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However,
short on
tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known
to preach
all night.
James & John: Package deal preacher & associate seemed
good at first, but
found out they have an ego problem regarding other fellow workers
and
seating positions. Threatened an entire town after an insult.
Also known
to try to discourage workers who didn't follow along with them.
Timothy: Too young!
Methuselah: Too old . . . WAY too old!
Jesus: Has had popular times, but once his church grew he managed
to offend
them all, and then this church dwindled a far bit. Seldom stays
in one
place very long. And, of course, he's single.
Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative.
Good
connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to
preach this
Sunday. Possibilities here.
A clergyman was walking down the street
when he came upon a group of about a
dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting
the dog,
he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood
stray. We
all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided
that
whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep
the dog."
Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't
be having a
contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into
a ten minute
sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's
a sin to lie,"
and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told
a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend
was
beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy
gave a deep
sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
"You might be a fundamentalist..."
If the name of your church includes both the words, "Tabernacle"
and
"Temple".
If the person that cleans your church uses a checklist that includes
the
words, "wipe the spit off the pulpit".
If you have the Romans Road on your answering machine.
If you wear a short-sleeved shirt under your suit coat.
If you sweat when you preach.
If other people sweat when you preach.
If you preach against men who "wear their collar backwards,"
while yours is
unbuttoned.
If you pronounce the phrase "shadow of a doubt" as one
world.
If you have heard at least ten sermons on the text "Preach
the Word" from
men who weren't.
If you have a tri-colored rotating light in your baptistery.
If you have ever taught Sunday School in a bus.
If you list the "Church Bus News" as a bibliography
reference in your
theology papers.
If you have ever scheduled a business meeting after the evening
service on
Super Bowl Sunday.
If you regularly take more than one offering per service.
If your sound system was purchased at Radio Shack.
If your church supports more than 200 missionaries at less than
$25 a month.
If you have ever torn an outline out of "Handfuls on Purpose"
and taken it
to the pulpit to preach.
If you regularly preach more than one hour.
If most of your congregation sits on folding chairs.
If you hold sit-down banquets in your auditorium.
If you have the AWANA circle painted on the floor of your auditorium.
If most of your buildings are metal.
If you ever have broken saltines for communion.
If, when the pastor says he has "studied the text in the
original language,"
you think he means the King James Version.
If the mere sight of a KFC bucket means you feel like taking up
an offering.
If you think the hymn "Just as I Am" naturally has 35
verses and takes 21
minutes to sing.
If, when meeting a Marine fresh out of boot camp, your first thought
is
"Nice haircut."
If someone asks what you think about contemporary Christian music
and your
first thought is of George Beverly Shea.
If the Trustees of your church vote to remove the ceiling fans
because too
many ladies have gotten their "beehive" hairdos caught
in the blades.
If your Sunday service includes times to put the snakes away.
If you think Aunt Maude and Uncle Clem are "unequally yoked"
because she's a
Baptist and he's a Nazarene.
A district minister arrived one Sunday
morning in a small rural town.
The local minister asked the district minister to help with a
local problem.
"Everyone here thinks they are just perfect!" said the
local minister.
"Could you preach a sermon that will bring them back to their
senses?"
The district minister was a gifted speaker, eloquent with words
and
knowledgeable about the Scripture. He spoke for nearly an hour,
convincing
everyone that they too were sinners. Finally, the district minister
was
sure he had set everyone straight.
To reassure them that they were all thinking alike, the district
minister
finally asked: "Is there anyone here who thinks they are
perfect?"
Everyone was looking at the floor, thinking quietly. Slowly, one
man in the
back stood up. The district minister asked the man, "And
why do you stand,
sir?"
The man said, "I am not perfect, but I am standing in memory
of my wife's
first husband who was."
Thanks to Anne Clouse who reminds us
"It's almost tax time again :-)"
*******************************
Rabbi Schwartz answers his phone.
"Hello is this Rabbi Schwartz?"
"It is"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can."
"Do you know a Sam Cohen?"
"I do."
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is."
"Did he donate $10,000?"
"He will."
An 85-year-old couple, after being married
for almost 60 years, died in a
car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly
due to
her interest in health food and exercising.
When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their
mansion,
which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite
and a
Jacuzzi.
As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all
this was
going to cost. "It's free," St. Peter replied, "this
is Heaven."
Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style
golf
course where the home was located. They would have golfing privileges
every
day, and each week, the course changed to a new one representing
the great
golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green
fees?" St.
Peter replied, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch
with the
cuisine's of the World laid out. "How much to eat?"
asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!"
St. Peter replied,
with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?"
the old man asked
timidly.
St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part - you can eat as
much as you like
of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick.
This is
Heaven."
With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down
his hat and
stomping on it, and screaming wildly. St. Peter and his wife both
tried to
calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your
fault! If it
weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here
ten years
ago!"
Q. What do you get if you cross a Jehovah's
Witness with an Atheist?
A. Someone who knocks on your door for no reason.
SCIENTIST MAN...CREATOR GOD
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man
had come a
long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist
to go and
tell Him that they were done with Him.
The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided
that we no
longer need You. We're to the point that we can clone people and
do many
miraculous things, so why don't You just go on and get lost."
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist
was
done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's
say we have a
man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay,
great!"
But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did
back in the old
days with Adam."
The scientist said, "Sure, no problem," and bent down
and grabbed himself a
handful of dirt.
God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your
own dirt!"
--Author unknown.