Dear fellow employees,
Because of the heightened concern over the Y2K problems and increased
demand
on our I.S. (Information system) department, we have determined
that there
is no longer any need for network or software applications support.
The goal is to remove ALL COMPUTERS from our desktop by December
31, 1999,
thus avoiding the anticipated Y2K problem. Instead, all employees
will be
provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. In anticipation of the changeover,
the
following is a list of FAQs (frequently asked questions) regarding
Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support:
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over
the screen.
How do I clear them?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn off my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document Window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: DON'T SHAKE IT.
Thank you for your support!
Regards,
Information system department
This Christian couple felt it important to own an equally Christian
pet.
So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular
breed,
they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog
to fetch
the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look
up Psalm
23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They
were
impressed, purchased the animal, and went home.
That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their
new Christian
dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a
little.
The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able
to do any of
the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as
they hadn't
thought about "normal" tricks. Well, they said, "let's
try this out."
Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the
command,
"Heel!"
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead,
closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.
Old telephone books make ideal personal
address books. Simply cross out the
names and addresses of people you don't know.
Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone
by holding
an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally
swerving
across the road and mounting the curb.
Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them.
The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet.
(Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish
should be
selected).
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned
to fast wipe
whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
POLITICALLY CORRECT STATEMENTS FOR A NEW
CENTURY
Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."
Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social
speed bumps."
You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."
You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious
follicle
syndrome."
No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."
You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."
You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."
It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission
of
near-factual information."
AND FOR STUDENTS...
The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively
challenged."
No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired."
You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed."
These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."
Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure
prohibitive."
Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook
experience."
You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."
You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive
athletic
footwear."
You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating
in the discreet
exchange of penned meditations."
You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going
on a
mandatory field trip to the administrative building."
What do you call an eternity? Four Goobers
in four cars at a four way stop.
Why do Goobers have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
Three Goobers were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car
for four
hours they finally saw a sign that said, "Disneyland Left"
so they turned
around and went home.
What do SMART Goobers and UFO's have in common? You always hear
about them
but never see them.
What did the Goober say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
Oh look, ...Doughnut seeds.
Why did the Goober stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
Because it said concentrate.
~~~~
At a pharmacy, a Goober woman asked to use the infant scale to
weigh the
baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device
was out for
repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by
weighing the
woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the
mother alone
and subtracting the second amount from the first.
"It won't work," countered the woman. "I'm not
the mother, I'm the aunt."
The woman's husband had been slipping in
and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You
know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired,
you were
there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house,
you stayed
right here. When my health started failing, you were still by
my side"
"And You know what?"
What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began
to fill with
warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
Potential Company Mergers:
Xerox and Wurlitzer: They're going to make reproductive organs
Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers: New company will
be called
Fairwell Honeychild
Polygram records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: new company will
be called
Poly Warner Cracker
W.R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale
Business
Systems: New company will be called Hale Mary Fuller Grace
3M and Goodyear: New company will be called mmmGood
John Deere and Abitibi-Price: new company will be called Deere
Abi
Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil: New company will be called Honey
I'm Home
Denison Mines, Alliance and Metal Mining: New company will be
called Mine,
All Mine
3M, J.C. Penney and Canadian Opera Company: New company will be
called 3
Penney Opera
Knott's Berry Farm and National organization of Women: New company
will be
called Knott NOW!
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining: New compant
will be
called Zip Audi Do-Da
The Art Collector
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices
a mangy
cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he
does a
double take.
He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so
he walks
casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for
sale.
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the
house to catch
mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder
if you could
throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save
me from
having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer.
So far this
week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
Two elderly sisters donated $25 to a charity
and, to their surprise, won
tickets to the Superbowl. Since they had never seen a live football
game
before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent
opportunity for doing so.
"I think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!"
They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking
a large,
grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless
back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half.
They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed.
Then
came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half
kickoff,
Madge nudged her sister.
"I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said. "This
is where we came in."
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural
History are marveling at the
dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell
me how old the
dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six
months old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist.
"How do you know their
age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million
years old
when I started working here, and that was four and a half years
ago."
One day at a busy airport, the passengers
on a commercial airliner are
seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get
under way.
The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane,
and begin
walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear
to be
blind.
The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right
and left as
he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide
dog. Both
have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers
don't
react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However,
after
a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts
moving.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering
among
themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly down the runway
and people
begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane
gets closer
and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more
and more
hysterical.
Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left,
there is a
sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at
once, and at
the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and
turns to the
pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't
going to scream,
and we're gonna get killed!"
A man has been told by his wife that he
is not to go golfing. The man
determined to golfing gets up
early one morning and leaves with his friends to play golf.
When he gets back his wife's waiting for him and yells at him
for
disobeying.
The man says, 'Harry died today.'
The woman says sorry for his lousy day.
The man replies, 'Thanks, it was shoot, drag Harry, shoot, drag
Harry, all
day!'
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the
deck after work, so Bob just went
straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went
straight
to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was
and how much
he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented
his
wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved
her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised
that
he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this
about 6
months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't
be better.
Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife
a massive
hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her.
His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This
is the worst
day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted
his
ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement.
And now,
you come home drunk!"
Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas
City to Toronto, the captain
announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has
failed. There is
nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than
scheduled,
but we still have three engines left."
Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine
has failed and
the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry
. . . we
can fly just fine on two engines."
An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has
failed and our
arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry...
we still
have one engine left."
A goober turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If
we lose one
more engine, we'll be up here all day!"
YOU KNOW IT'S A "NO FRILLS" AIRLINE
WHEN ...
...they don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
...all the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
...before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a
pilot.
...if you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you
back.
...you cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
...before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your
Velcro.
...the Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for
gas.
...when they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
...the Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the
runway.
...you ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez,
"Just once."
...no movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your
eyes
...you see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off
the plane.
...all the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
A guy is taking a walk and sees a frog on
the side of the road. As he comes
closer, the frog starts to talk.
'Kiss me and I will turn into a princess.'
The guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket. The frog
starts
shouting, 'Hey! Didn't you hear me? I'm a Princess. Just kiss
me and I will
be yours.'
The guy takes the frog out of his pocket and smiles at it and
puts it back.
The frog is
really frustrated. 'I don't get it. Why won't you kiss me? I will
turn
into a beautiful
princess I tell you!'
The guy says, 'Look, I'm a computer geek. I don't have time for
girls. But
a talking frog
is cool.!'
Little Tim was in the garden filling in
a hole when his neighbor peered over
the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up
to, he
politely asked, "Whatcha doing, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied the boy tearfully, without
looking up. "And
I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for
a goldfish,
isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's
because he's
inside your stupid cat."
In this world of double-speak, new words are being added to our language every day, so why not a few more really good ones!
TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.Rule Four:
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."Rule Five:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.Rule Six:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?Rule Seven:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.Rule Eight:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless master of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.Rule Nine:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is
"In times like these, it is helpful to remember that there have always been times like these." - Paul Harvey "
Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." - Herbert Hoover
"Always buy thermometers in the summer, because they come with more mercury." - Frank Muir "
No matter where you go, there you are." - Buckaroo Banzai
"How would we measure hail without golf balls?" - Hank Caruso
"One seventh of your life is spent on Monday." - Hank Caruso
"The only thing to prevent what's past is to put a stop to it before it happens." - Sir Boyle Roche
"This planet is our home. If we destroy our planet, we've destroyed our home, so it is fundamentally important." - Ross Perot
"You can not enlighten the unconscious." - Roger Mellot
"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me." - Bobcat Goldthwait
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?" - John Mendoza
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." - Sue Murphy
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." - Lily Tomlin
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, oh my! I could be eating a slow learner." - Lynda Montgomery
Simple words to live by... When someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and whack them in the head
Profound words reported to be unedited doctor's
notes on patients' charts:
1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over
a year.
2. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day
it
disappeared completely.
3. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears
to be
depressed.
4. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
5. Healthy appearing, decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert
but forgetful.
6. The patient refused an autopsy.
7. The patient has no past history of suicides.
8. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
9. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
10. She is numb from her toes down.
11. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
12. The skin was moist and dry.
13. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
14. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
15. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.
16. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we
should sit
on the abdomen and I agree.
17. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
--Author unknown.
--Selected from "Weekend Encounter" Newsletter:
THIS IS TRUE
(Strange but true facts)
--If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have
produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
--Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
--On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
--The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
--Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
--Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
--A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
--The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
--A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves
to
death.
--Butterflies taste with their feet.
--Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
--An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
--Starfishes haven't got brains.
AEROBICS FOR YOUR BRAIN
(Enjoy these brainteasers. See answers below.)
1. How can you arrange for two people to stand on the same piece
of
newspaper and yet be unable to touch each other without stepping
off the
newspaper?
2. How many 3-cent stamps are there in a dozen?
3. A rope ladder hangs over the side of a ship. The rungs are
one foot
apart and the ladder is 12 feet long. The tide is rising at four
inches an
hour. How long will it take before the first four rungs of the
ladder are
underwater?
4. Which would you rather have, a gallon jar full of nickels or
a gallon jar
half full of dimes?
5. Steve has three piles of sand and Mike has four piles of sand.
All
together, how many do they have?
6. In which sport are the shoes made entirely of metal?
7. If the Vice-President of the United States should die, who
would be
President?
8. How can you throw a golf ball with all your might and, without
hitting
a wall or any other obstruction, have the ball stop and come right
back to
you?
9. According to most state laws, the attempt to commit a certain
crime is
punishable, but actually committing the crime is not. What is
the crime?
10. Find the English word that can be formed from all these letters:
PNLLEEEESSSSS
11. How many times can you subtract 2 from the numeral 9?
12. If you take two apples from three apples, how many apples
will you have?
13. If you are standing on a hard floor, how can you drop an egg
three feet
without breaking the egg?
Answers.
1. Slide the newspaper half way under a closed door and ask the
two people
to stand on the bit of newspaper on their side of the door.
2. There are twelve (not four).
3. Actually, the ladder will rise with the ship.
4. Dimes are smaller than nickels, so choose the dimes.
5. If they put them all together, there will be one pile.
6. Horseracing.
7. The President.
8. Throw the ball straight up.
9. Suicide.
10. Sleeplessness.
11. Just once. Then you'd be subtracting 2 from the numeral 7,
then 2 from
the numeral 5, and so forth.
12. You will have two apples.
13. Hold the egg more than three feet above the ground when you
drop it.