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Even More Religious Humor


 

FOREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN.....

The day finally arrived: Forest Gump dies and goes
to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by St.
Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and
Forest approaches the gatekeeper.

Saint Peter says, "Well, Forest, it's certainly
good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I
must inform you that the place is filling up fast,
and we've been administering an entrance
examination for everyone. The tests are fairly
short, but you need to pass before you can get into
Heaven."

Forest responds, "It shore is good to be here St.
Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever
told me about any entrance exams. Sure hope the
test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as
it was."

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forest. But the
test I have for you is only three questions. Here
is the first: What days of the week begin with the
letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in
a year? Third, what is God's first name?"

Forest goes away to think the questions over. He
returns the next day and goes up to St. Peter to
try to answer the exam questions.

St. Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have
had a chance to think the questions over, tell me
your answers."

Forest says, "Well, the first one, -how many days
of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks,
that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow!"

The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims,
"Forest! That's not what I was thinking, but ...
you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't
specify, so I give you credit for that answer."

"How about the next one" says St. Peter, "how many
seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forest. "But, I thunk
and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer
can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forest,
how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve
seconds in a year?"

Forest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve:
January second, February second, March second....."

"Hold it," interrupts St., Peter. "I see where
you're going with it. And I guess I see your point,
though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but
I'll give you credit for that one too."

"Let's go on with the next and final question,"
says St. Peter, "Can you tell me God's first name?"

Forest says, "Well shore, I know God's first name.
Everbody probly knows it. It's Howard."

"Howard?" asks St. Peter. "What makes you think
it's 'Howard'?"

Forest answers, "It's in the prayer."

"The prayer?" asks St. Peter, "Which prayer?"

"The Lord's Prayer," responds Forest: "Our Father,
who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...."

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CHILDREN SPEAK TO GOD

Dear GOD, In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? Jane

Dear GOD, Are you really invisible or is that just a trick? Lucy

Dear GOD, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling woods in the house? Anita

Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? Norma

Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? Jane

Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? Nan

Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? Neil

Dear GOD, I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying. Elliot

Dear GOD, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. Margaret

Dear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. Jane

Dear GOD, I read the Bible. What does "begat" mean? Nobody will tell me. Allison

Dear GOD, The bad people laughed at Noah, "You made an ark on dry land you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. Eddie

Dear GOD, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. Dean

Dear GOD, Of all the people who work for You, I like Noah and David the best. Rob

Dear GOD, My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? Marsha

Dear GOD, If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. Denise

Dear GOD, Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother! Darla

Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. Joyce

Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. Tom

Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. Bruce

Dear GOD, If You give me a genie lamp like Aladdin, I will give you anything you want except my money or my chess set. Raphael

Dear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha! Danny

Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. Larry

Dear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. Sam

Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. Ruth M.

Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. Nan

Dear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. Mickey

Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Chris

Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Donna

Dear GOD, I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are God already. Charles

[forwarded by Janna Weston]

 

 

 

A poor employee had been suffering dreadfully during the building of Gates' infamous new home. The poor architect had used a Mac to undertake the interior and the wrath of Gates had fallen upon him. In fact, this guy was so distressed at the thought of using Windows in a design environment that he just got up one day and took his own life.

He reappears at the gates of heaven where St.Peter is sitting with his clipboard. Nervously he walks up to St.Peter. "Ah", St.Peter says, "you're the poor fellow who suffered at the hands of Gates. Don't worry, you're in heaven now. Everything is alright. "Still quivering, the poor architect says: "At last, that's wonderful. But you promise me that Bill Gates won't appear here."

St.Peter lets out a broad laugh: "Is the Pope Catholic ? You know what they say about rich men, needles and camels ... anyhow, we use Amigas ..."Then, suddenly, beyond the pearly gates a familiar figure appears. The poor architect falls into an apoplectic fit: "Look, look, you told me he'd never find a place in heaven, but it's him."

St.Peter turns around to see the sight. "Ah, no my son, that's God, he just thinks he's Bill Gates ..."

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Bill Gates in Heaven and Hell

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by God....

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of Beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told God. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"

"Fine," said God, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.

"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "this is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches, the beautiful women playing in the water?!???

"That was a demo," replied God.

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There was this farmer who had worked for so many years without desiring anything for himself. Finally one day he developed this urge to possess a horse. He struggled with himself to suppress this desire but did not succeed. He looked around for a horse, did not find one satisfactory, so went to the mountains to see the spiritual leader. To his surprise he saw a horse there. He asked the master if he could have that horse. The master agreed to part with his horse, but told the farmer that the horse was a spiritual horse: To make the horse move ahead you say -- "thank god"; to get the horse gallop away you say -- "thank god, thank god"; to stop the horse you say "thank god, thank god, thank god". The farmer took the horse, climbed it and said "thank god". After getting the hang of riding, he ordered "thank god, thank god". The horse took off in a pace he had never seen before. Soon to his horror he saw that they were approaching a precipice and he had forgotten the key words to stop the horse. He started to pray with all his heart and then finally he remembered the key words. When he finished uttering them they were standing only an inch away from the precipice. He was so happy and so very grateful to the lord that he looked up and uttered "Thank God"

 

 

Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: "The Gate of Heaven". Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance."

Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."

A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What Denomination?" Asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."

On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, "Well, I guess we won't have a service today." The farmer replied: "Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it."

During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what "Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means - 'Tha-tha-tha-that's all folks!'"

A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer? "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7."

I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to Heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"

Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of a time when he was pencilling one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy said, "Daddy, how do you know what to draw?" I said, "God tells me." Jeffy said, "Then why do you keep erasing parts of it?"

After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

 

 

Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.

Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap.

Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time."

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St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."

"Sounds easy enough. OK."

So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand.

The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?"

The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.

"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost our son? Can you tell me about him?"

"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"

The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"

 

 

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realised that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"Yes, yes,.. and then???" asked the crowd.

"I don't know," said Moishe, "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine."

 

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A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of on-lookers gathersaround. "A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of anykind. "A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old man dressed shabbily and of at least eighty years of age.

"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I've been living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort tothis man."

The policeman agrees and brings the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay.

He kneels down, leans over the injured man and says slowly in a solemn voice:"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72..."

 

 

 

 

HYMNS, BY PROFESSION

DENTIST'S HYMN: "Crown Him with Many Crowns"
WEATHERMAN'S HYMN: "There Shall be Showers of Blessing"
CONTRACTOR'S HYMN: "The Church's One Foundation"
TAILOR'S HYMN: "Holy, Holy, Holy"
GOLFER'S HYMN: "There is a Green Hill Far Away"
POLITICIAN'S HYMN: "Standing on the Promises"
OPTOMETRIST'S HYMN: "Open Mine Eyes that I Might See"
I.R.S. HYMN: "All to Thee"
GOSSIP'S HYMN: "Pass It On"
ELECTRICIAN'S HYMN: "Send the Light"
SHOPPER'S HYMN: "Sweet By and By"

 

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This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him. He interviewed three people. The first came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired. Here's your kit; go sell!"

The second came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired! Here's your kit; go sell!"

The third came in and said, "I- i - I wa - wa- wa-want t-t-t-t-to s-s-s-s-ell to sell, to sell, to sell, Bi - bi - bi - Bibles, sell Bi -Bibles f-f-f-fo-for y-y-y-y you Bibles for you!"

"No," shouted the man, "this will never work! You can't sell Bibles for me!" The applicant replied, "B-b-b-b-but I r-r-r-eall, but I really, really, n-n-n-n-need th-th-th-this, really need tthis job!"

As there were no other applicants, he man said, "OK, I'll give you one shot at this, but I expect you to PRODUCE!"

At the end of the can, the first applicant comes back and reports, "I sold 8 Bibles today." The second reports: "I sold 11 Bibles today. The third worker reports, "To-to-to-to t-t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I so-, I so- I sold 28 Bi- bi- b- bibles!" "Great," says the man. "However, I want you to sell lots more Bibles than that, so get out there tomorrow and MAKE ME SOME MONEY!"

At the end of the first day, the first worker comes in and reports, "Today, I sold 32 Bibles." The second worker reports, "I sold 44 Bibles today" The third worker reports, "To-to-to t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I sold 79 Bi-bi-bi- sold 79, sold 79 Bibles."

"Fantastic," said the man, "since you're doing so well, so much better than these other two bums, why don't you tell them what your sales technique is." Replied the worker, "I-i-I j-j-j-j-ju-ju-ju-just wa, wa, wa, just wal- wa- wa- walk, just walk up to up to up to just walk up to them and and ask, them and ask, them and ask if th-th-th-th ask if they w-w-w-w-w- wa- ask if they want t-t-t-t-o-o- if they want to b--b-b-b-b if they want to buy a Bi-bi - want to buy a Bi--b--a - a- abi - buy a to buy a Bi-bi-bible, or d-d-d-d-d do th-th-they do they w-w-w-ant me to read it to 'em?"

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Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie, and answered, "1,228."

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

 

 

 

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" But, the man explains to Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.

Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check it's contents before letting it through."

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"

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From Actual Church Bulletins

* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

* The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

* Evening massage - 6 p.m.

* The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

* Low self-esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

* Ushers will eat latecomers.

* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

* The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

* The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

* On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.

* Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.

* Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

* Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

* 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

* The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

* Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

 

 

A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins.
"Life begins," said the priest, "at the moment of fertilization. That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus."
"We believe," said the minister, "that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin."
"You're both wrong," said the rabbi. "Life begins when the children have graduated from college and moved out of the house."

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The New Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and Spook
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat Me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the "Mary with the Cherry"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God"
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's

 

 

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit's end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father replied, "Sure, do that before I kill them!" The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest. The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?" The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing. Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked "Where is God?" Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God? The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in BIIIIG trouble." The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?" his brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."

 

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?" The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.
The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"
St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time. the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged. The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that? St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds up his clock." This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the centre of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's OJ Simpson's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."

 

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